More true than funny

[jbryce1437]

Just Minding His own Business
There was this little Matelot sitting in the Naafi, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big Marine comes in and – WHACK -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The Marine says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little Matelot thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden – WHACK -- the big Marine knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little Matelot has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little Matelot is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big Marine and – BONG -- bangs the big Marine off his stool, knocking him out cold!
The little Matelot looks at the barman and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Stores.”

[jbryce1437]

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Macron, " a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Macron replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Macron paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Macron asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Macron sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Macron, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Macron, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Macron. Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no feckin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[ivorthediver]

Ahhhhh......Jim , I knew that was going to be a shaggy Dog storey , as the French President......is on holiday on the French summer recess and he won't answer the phone

[DaveH]

The whole world hates a smartass Deeps

[jbryce1437]

Sir George Parr gives an overview about our new aircraft carriers and their aircraft here

Jim

[DaveH]

So very near the truth Jim .... almost as hilarious as the Jellyfish tale

[ivorthediver]

Thanks Jim .....not seen these before , might almost get a job at this rate .....

[jbryce1437]

Thanks Jim .....not seen these before , might almost get a job at this rate .....

What about a pool attendant in one of the Olympic size swimming pools?

Jim

[ivorthediver]

Now there's a thought

[jbryce1437]

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really care anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I POSTED THIS BEFORE?