More true than funny

Got a clean joke, humourous dit, or a story to make us smile?, then post here
User avatar
jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Anyone agree?

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
User avatar
Pelican
Posts: 9746
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 10:10 pm

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by Pelican »

Yes but also No.
HMS Pelican 1938 - 1958 GGCV L86 U86 F86 What I Have I Hold ~ A wonderful bird is the Pelican its beak can hold more than its belly can.
User avatar
ivorthediver
Posts: 3659
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:42 pm
Location: Cambridge Shore Battery

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by ivorthediver »

Why ....who wants to know ;) .........who are you anyway .......do I know you
"What Ever Floats your Boat"
User avatar
jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Ear Infection - This is so true!

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
User avatar
ivorthediver
Posts: 3659
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:42 pm
Location: Cambridge Shore Battery

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by ivorthediver »

Not me on this occasion Jim ,...... but filed for future use ;)
"What Ever Floats your Boat"
User avatar
Pelican
Posts: 9746
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 10:10 pm

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by Pelican »

EPR's S206 (Officer Fitess Reports) Genuine Extracts (Sure to raise a smile}.
All from the book Staff in Confidence published years ago.


A.N. Other, Ganges Boy:
"Excellent. During my SD course, I fell out with my senior big time and his comment on my appraisal was that the only bridge he wanted to see me on was the Forth bridge with a lump of concrete round my neck."
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
HMS Pelican 1938 - 1958 GGCV L86 U86 F86 What I Have I Hold ~ A wonderful bird is the Pelican its beak can hold more than its belly can.
User avatar
jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

A message from the UK Government this Covidtime.

JIm
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
User avatar
Pelican
Posts: 9746
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 10:10 pm

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by Pelican »

jbryce1437 wrote: Thu Dec 17, 2020 8:18 pm A message from the UK Government this Covidtime.

JIm
Certainly not funny but probably true, remember the old saying 'read, mark and inwardly digest' when you scroll down all the way here:
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/202 ... racts.html
Note they have not come clean and revealed the details of the contracts ~~~ yet.
HMS Pelican 1938 - 1958 GGCV L86 U86 F86 What I Have I Hold ~ A wonderful bird is the Pelican its beak can hold more than its belly can.
User avatar
jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

LADIES, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

WAX is Not your Friend"
This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed 'till I almost cried as I could just see this happening!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-hoo and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.hoo-hoo? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who- ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now that's funny ........ Notttttttttt. Send this on to other ladies who need a good laugh!
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
User avatar
jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Exercise?
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home a £2000 per month.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 quid. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
I used to watch golf on TV, but my doctor told me that I need more exercise; so now I watch tennis.
If exercise and work pay off in the future, shouldn't laziness pay off now?
A daily exercise regime never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Isn't having good health merely the slowest possible way you can die?
The act of banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 80. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
Post Reply Previous topicNext topic

Return to “The Funny Thread”