More true than funny

Got a clean joke, humourous dit, or a story to make us smile?, then post here
greendragon
Posts: 179
Joined: Sat Sep 14, 2019 6:16 am

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by greendragon »

I like this real story as told by a Polish Navy officer on ORP Piorun.
Three destroyers, the RN modern one, a/m Piorun also almost brand new N-class and a little old HMS Antelope were escorting a battleship in very heavy seas and bad weather.
The admiral on her deck would like to increase the speed from 18kts to 20 but knowing how hard the destroyers were affected by weather asked his escorts about the maximum speed possible.
The RN DD increased speed a little bit and was seen fighting against wind and big waves being covered with sprays of sea from bow to fantail. Quickly reported that present 18kts was maximum.
The Polish did not even attempted to make a try and also reported that 18 was max.
Finally little Antelope has sent a signal - "My maximum is 14 knots!".
The Admiral decreased the speed by one knot.

Regards

GD
greendragon
Posts: 179
Joined: Sat Sep 14, 2019 6:16 am

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by greendragon »

Another good one is a story told by a survivor from HMS Achates.
On return to British waters from Murmansk the destroyers which took part in defence of the Arctic convoy attacked by heavy surface forces of Kriegsmarine visited Scapa for refueling.
They as victors in that excellent action were welcomed by the crews of the ships gathered in Scapa who manned the sides of their ships - cruisers, aircraft carriers and battleships and cheered and gave warm welcome.
In response from laudspeakers of HMS Obedient they heard a then popular song " Missed You"- might be unkind reminder that pretty often when the heavies would be needed they turned back.


GD
timlewin
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Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2018 12:18 pm

What was it really like to serve in an HM Ship?

Unread post by timlewin »

MISSING THE ROYAL NAVY LIFE?
HERE'S HOW TO RECAPTURE THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE OLD DAYS AND SIMULATE LIVING ON BOARD SHIP ONCE MORE
.

1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a smelly sleeping bag. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that's too small.

2. Wash your underwear every night in a bucket, then hang it over the water pipes to dry.

3. Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your eyes, and say "Sorry mate, wrong pit".

4. Renovate your bath room. Build a wall across the centre of the bath and move the showerhead down to chest level. Store beer cans in the shower enclosure.

5. When you have a shower, remember to turn the water off while you soap.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair, and rock as hard as you can until your sick.

7. Put oil instead of water into a humidifier, then set it to 'high'.

8. Don't watch TV. except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism have your family vote for which movie they want to see - then select a different one.

9. (Mandatory for engineering types) Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels.

10. Have the paper boy give you a hair cut.

11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over into your neighbour’s house. When he complains, laugh at him.

12. Buy a rubbish compactor, but only use it once a week. Store up your rubbish in the other side of your bath.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of anything you can, preferably using stale bread. Optional: Cold soup or canned ravioli, eaten out of the can.

14. Design your family menus a week in advance without looking in the fridge or larder.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times through the night. When it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can then run into the garden and break out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart, then re-assemble.

17. Use 4 spoons of coffee per cup, allow it to sit for 3 hours before drinking.

18. Invite about 185 people you don't really like to come and stay for a couple of months.

19. Install a small fluorescent light tube under your coffee table, then lie under the table to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of all the doors in the house. Now you will always either hit your head or skin your shins when passing through them.

21. Put lock wires on the wheel nuts of the car.

22. When baking cakes, prop up one side of the cake tin while it is baking. When it has cooled, spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.

23. Every so often, throw your cat in the swimming pool or bath and shout "man overboard" then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes and pans onto the floor while yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea properly.

24. Put on the headphones from your stereo, do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of your dishwasher. Say to nobody in particular, "Dishwasher manned and ready sir" Stand there for three or four hours. Say once again to nobody in particular, "Dishwasher secured". Remove the headphones. Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

25. Nickname your favourite shoes 'steamies' then get your children to hide them around the house on a random basis.
Ends.
The only other one I recall which makes you smile is the one about the ex GI who was asleep in front of the fire. On a loud shout 'Fire' he grabbed the cat slung it in the oven and shouted."No.1 Gun Ready, Sir".

THIS WAS SENT TO ME (Dec. 2008) AND POSTED ON THE OLD FORUM BY OUR NEVER TO BE FORGOTTEN CHUM CHALKY WHITE, UP SPIRITS CHALKY!
your mate, tim.
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jbryce1437
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Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

A good chuckle there Tim. Up spirits Chalky

Jim
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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Pelican
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Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 10:10 pm

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by Pelican »

R.N. HUMOUR
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HMS Pelican 1938 - 1958 GGCV L86 U86 F86 What I Have I Hold ~ A wonderful bird is the Pelican its beak can hold more than its belly can.
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jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Following the advice by President Trump to inject disinfectant to cure the coronavirus, an American clergyman in the USA is believed to be the first man to die as a result of the ill-advised comments.
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His wife has been arrested and charged with causing a bleach of the priest, and domestos abuse. :lol:

Jim
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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ivorthediver
Posts: 3659
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:42 pm
Location: Cambridge Shore Battery

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by ivorthediver »

Are but surely un sustainable :roll:
"What Ever Floats your Boat"
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jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Why we Love Old People


A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in..................…..”
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
User avatar
ivorthediver
Posts: 3659
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:42 pm
Location: Cambridge Shore Battery

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by ivorthediver »

Well poor sod ..........everything comes to those who wait :lol: just the kind of humour we all relish in these covid lockdown dramas :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"What Ever Floats your Boat"
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