More true than funny

Got a clean joke, humourous dit, or a story to make us smile?, then post here
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Little h
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by Little h »

That's brilliant Jim- thanks.
Little h
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ivorthediver
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Location: Cambridge Shore Battery

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by ivorthediver »

So many truths spoken there Jim ...or was it here :?
Why is it..... that those baring gifts come after the shops have closed :(
I used to know nothing ..but now I'm not sure :oops:

Some- day my it will all be much bitter , or.... is that sacker aday . :?:
"What Ever Floats your Boat"
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jbryce1437
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristians home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'........













'I've found Cod.

I'm a Prawn again Kristian !!!
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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jbryce1437
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Wasn't sure where to post this about a funeral in Dublin Certainly brightened up the mourners day - turn the sound on.

Jim
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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jbryce1437
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Not sure if should put this should on the Service Records thread, in case anyone is looking for a relation:

For some time many of us have wondered just 'Who is Jack Schitt'?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says. 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O.Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc.

They had one son Jack.

In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt,

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living .with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt- Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned home from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt' you can correct them.
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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Little h
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by Little h »

Nice one Jim.

So there is no truth in the rumour that Jack Schitt a) knew nothing; and b) never did anything; or c) ever got anything done; not true at all ...since he sired six kids - that a fair achievement for anyone ;) :)
Little h
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jbryce1437
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Little h wrote: Mon Dec 16, 2019 10:18 pm Nice one Jim.

So there is no truth in the rumour that Jack Schitt a) knew nothing; and b) never did anything; or c) ever got anything done; not true at all ...since he sired six kids - that a fair achievement for anyone ;) :)
Jack himself was a high achiever Harry, but I met many of his clansmen who were not :-)

Jim
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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jbryce1437
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Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Once again this year, I’ve had many requests for my Old Russian Grandmother's Secret Recipe for Vodka Christmas Cake (Just as tasty with rum by the way).

So here goes.

Please keep in your files or share to your friends as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year..! (Made mine this morning..!!!!)

1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Drink some more of the Vodka just for the Hell of it. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver
Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window.
Finish off what's left of the Vodka and wipe the counter down with the feckin cat.
Have a tot to celebrate.
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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Pelican
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by Pelican »

PIPES AND OTHER FUNNIES

Not a pipe but when I was an instructor in Dolphin after finishing my RS's course in the mid 80s was detailed off to do a days instruction to a class of nuclear engineering subbies on the wonders of filling in an Fsig 266... had to supress a smile when I saw the names of the 2 officers sat together right at the front... S/Lt Flood and S/Lt Drain....!
Return all sports equipment to the sports store and balls to the Master at Arms!
Best pipe ever from the MCR
No smoking on the quarterdeck H2O spillage
"Do you hear there! Anyone not yet having done so, and still wishing to do so, muster outside the Coxswains Office"
CEA Gull report to flight deck
Heard during refit alongside Chatham, F107 in 1980, 'Dockyard worker Ritus, Mr Arthur Ritus, report to the gangway'
On the Ambuscade we did have a leading cook Kitchen and an RO Tate - True.
Not Tanoy but voice pipe......
Who’s the idiot on the end of this voice pipe?
Which end sir?
M.A Sturbates, POME Granite, Best one was Able Seaman Clearance Diver Eric Fgee Pipe went " A B CD E FGEE, Gangway"
Don't know where or when - A new Lieutenant named Oliphant joined a ship and was quite rude to the QM when telling him that his luggage was following and to let him know as soon as it arrived. When it arrived the QM waited until standeasy so he could make the pipe `Lieutenant Oliphant please collect your trunk from the gangway'
I actually knew a cook called Cook. He answered the phone `Cook Cook' and the CPTI on the other end said `Cook who?' to which he replied `Cuckoo? Sign of an early spring' The club swinger wasn't impressed!
1978 Mercury Kelly Squadron, Morning Parades, ''the following ratings report to the Office....RO's Ball, Balls, and Gernockers''....true dit, they must have paired those three up everytime deliberatly, always ended with sniggering in the ranks
Oh and this one comes to mind - 1972 Radio Voice Training Class - HMS Mercury - RO Robbie (OGG) Angus - if Your a scot you will know who Angus Ogg used to be and for those who dont - He was a hand drawn cartoon character in the Scottish Daily Record if memory serves me correctly just like Charlie Brown and Peanuts in the Sun anyway back to the story - About 20 baby JRO’s were taking roll call RS Instructor asked us to acknowlege our presence - Smith - Here RS - Jones - Here RS - Brown - Here RS - Harley - Here RS you get the idea - However Robbie’s name had been written as Aneus (anus) - So Aneus - No Reply - Aneus - No Reply - so RS does a head count 20 names on paper 20 baby JRO’s in room - OK Yah bunch of wassocks who has no been called - Robbie Stands up and says JRO Angus RS - Well RS is blushing and farting all over the classroom - I thought your surname was Aneus - We are all wetting our pants except for Robbie who has a straight face and the RS’s final words were “ Jeez I made I right Arse Of that then - by this time we were howling
Leading Gunner Bullitt and Able Gunner Bofor - Armoury
Lt Tas Ops Ping - Radar Room - (he might of been chinese)
I served with RO’s Huckle and Berry, sadly, not at the same time
Tiger 65/66 we had a young communicator called Frank Hafernick (Hungarian family, his original name was something like Frankacheck Hafernickov, or similar). He came from a place called Upper Dicker in Sussex and was known as `Half a Knicker from Upper Dicker'
Cook Ing and Ding to Galley - These guys were chinese

A couple from the FAA
I had a leading Airman in my Division, whose surname was Seaman - it caused some confusion.
Best pipe, heard often was at Brawdy, when heavy rain (frequent) caused a brook that ran through a farmyard to flood and contaminate the Air Station's reservoir. "Owing to the recent heavy rains there is an acute water shortage on the station"

And from Tim Lewin:
Years ago I had a tax inspector for the company called Mr. Blood
HMS Pelican 1938 - 1958 GGCV L86 U86 F86 What I Have I Hold ~ A wonderful bird is the Pelican its beak can hold more than its belly can.
greendragon
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by greendragon »

I like this real story as told by a Polish Navy officer on ORP Piorun.
Three destroyers, the RN modern one, a/m Piorun also almost brand new N-class and a little old HMS Antelope were escorting a battleship in very heavy seas and bad weather.
The admiral on her deck would like to increase the speed from 18kts to 20 but knowing how hard the destroyers were affected by weather asked his escorts about the maximum speed possible.
The RN DD increased speed a little bit and was seen fighting against wind and big waves being covered with sprays of sea from bow to fantail. Quickly reported that present 18kts was maximum.
The Polish did not even attempted to make a try and also reported that 18 was max.
Finally little Antelope has sent a signal - "My maximum is 14 knots!".
The Admiral decreased the speed by one knot.

Regards

GD
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