More true than funny

[jbryce1437]

Please be advised that all Forum Members planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way, are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.
The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB, and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Furthermore, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions. Also said aromatic resins and perfumes purchased in the EU will be subject to import duty and taxes.
Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

[jbryce1437]

THE RULES OF CRICKET ARE QUITE SIMPLE

You have two sides ........ Ours and Theirs, one out in the field and one in.
Each man on the side that's in, goes out, and, when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. Then, when they have all been in
and are all out, the side thats been in the field goes in and the side that's in goes out and tries to get out those coming in. Sometimes you get men
still in and not out. Then when both sides have been in and out, including not-outs, thats the end of the game.

Its really very simple!

[jbryce1437]

Any Communicators, Stokers or Greenies interested?

55 club.jpg

[ivorthediver]

They should receive many applications Jim,as most of the fleet they probably served on

[jbryce1437]

MISSING ROYAL NAVY LIFE ?
1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe, fit a thin mattress and sleep on top of it.
2. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that is too small.
3. Wash your socks and underpants in the bathroom sink every night, then hang them on the water pipes to dry.
4. Four hours after you have gone to bed, instruct your wife to whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your face and say, "Sorry mate, wrong pit!"
5. When you have a shower, remember to turn the water off when you soap.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking-chair and rock as hard as you can until you are violently sick.
7. Put diesel oil into a humidifier and set it on high to achieve that wonderful Ship Aroma.
8. Don't watch TV except for a movie at 2030. For added realism, have the family vote for which movie to have and then select a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in the house to re-create correct noise levels.
10. Have the postman or paperboy give you a haircut fortnightly.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, ensuring that the soot is carried over to your neighbour's home. When he comes to complain, laugh in his face and say "That's life in a blue suit mate"
12. Buy a rubbish compactor, but only use it once a week, storing all of your rubbish in the shower cubicle.
13. Wake up at midnight each night and make a sandwich out of anything you can find.
14. Have a fridge in your home specifically for beer. put a lock on it and give the key to the local policeman.
15. Keep spare keys for above and empty it every lunchtime.
16. Devise your family menu a week in advance without looking in the fridge or freezer.
17. Once a month, take apart every household appliance then re-assemble them.
18. Use four spoonfuls of coffee per cup and wait 3 hours before drinking it.
19. Invite 40 people you don't like, to stay in your house for a couple of months.
20. Install a small fluorescent strip light under your coffee table then lie underneath it to read a book.
21. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of all the doors in the house, so you will either bang your head or skin your shins every time you pass through them.
22. When baking a cake, prop one side of the cake tin against the side of the oven and when it has cooled, spread icing thickly on lower side to even it out.
23. Every so often throw one of the kids into the bath and scream "Man overboard!" Sling in a sponge with a flag on it, then run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots and pans onto the floor and yell at your wife for not securing for sea.
24. Get your wife and kids to clean their rooms every evening and at 1900 wander around the house with the local policeman.
25. Name your favourite shoes "Steaming Bats" then get the kids to hide them around the house.
26. Lie on your bed, or sofa and fart for absolutely no reason.
27. Insist on going to the local post office for your mail and get them to phone you when it is ready for collection.
28. On Saturday morning walk around the house, whistling loudly and insist that everyone you pass stands to attention.
29. Paint the outside of your house battleship grey and put the number on the wall in big black letters.
30. Put windows and a bloody big wheel in your loft.
31. Every Thursday at 0500 in the morning, run around the house yelling "Hands to Action Stations!"
32. Roll up a soft porn magazine and stick it behind the cistern in the toilet all of your visitors can read it.
33. When the family demands more food, yell back at them "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FOR 39p PER DAY, PER MAN"!

[ivorthediver]

I seem to remember Chalky showing me that Jim , but thanks for the refresher

[jbryce1437]

I seem to remember Chalky showing me that Jim , but thanks for the refresher

Makes you chuckle

Jim

[jbryce1437]

BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

[ivorthediver]

Ah you been there to Jim ?

Sorry I missed your birthday I was at a BBQ ....

[jbryce1437]

Billy Connolly talks about the two submarines that collided in the North Atlantic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qvFxFVRcRo