More true than funny

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jbryce1437
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Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved
ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Its very hot down here!
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

I went for a seasonal job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday.
After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.
I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"
"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.
"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.
"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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Pelican
Posts: 9743
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 10:10 pm

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by Pelican »

A non Joke.
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HMS Pelican 1938 - 1958 GGCV L86 U86 F86 What I Have I Hold ~ A wonderful bird is the Pelican its beak can hold more than its belly can.
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jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A2 close to the Walderslade slip road early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some 5 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to know its the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound
But he can't tell you cause you're not a monk.
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

THE PIRATE:

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
User avatar
jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Food for thought:-

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
User avatar
jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.
Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"
Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"
Old lady: "I think I should speak to the Bank Manager since it's such a large cash deposit."
Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a million dollars you are probably right."
The bank assistant calls for the Manager, and after explaining the situation the Manager arrives.
Bank Manager "So my assistant tells me that you want to deposit one million dollars. May I ask how you came in possession of one million dollars?"
Old lady: "Naturally. I earned them by betting. I actually make a living from betting!"
Manager "I find that hard to believe. What kind of betting do you do?"
Old lady: "All sorts of betting. As an example I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are squared."
Manager "Umm... I don't... Umm.. Well. Under normal circumstances I don't bet but this seems so absurd that I'll agree."
So the manager and the old lady shake hand and the Manager asked how and when this bet should be settled.
Old lady: "Well considering that this is a bet of $25,000 I'd like my lawyer to be present when I do the inspection. So how about we meet with my lawyer tomorrow morning?"
The Manager agrees to this, happy to have earned $25,000 so easily.
Next morning he walks into the office of the locally well respected lawyer and greets the old lady.
Not wanting to waste his time, he unbuttons his pants, pulls down his underwear and as the old lady lifts his balls up for inspection he notices the lawyer is banging his head against the wall repeatedly.
Quite startled the bank director looks at the old lady and asks "What is going on with your lawyer?!"
Old lady (grinning) replied "Oh well. Yesterday I bet him a million dollars that within 24 hours I would be holding the balls of the Bank Manager in my very hand..."
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
User avatar
jbryce1437
Posts: 1879
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:28 pm
Location: Roker, Sunderland

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

As an old sailor I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I’ve also been in Doubt and that’s a sad place to go to so I don’t go there often. However, I’ve been in Capable and go there more often now that I’m older. One of my favorite places is to be in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart and at my age I need all the stimuli I can get. Sometimes I’m in Vincible but life tells me I’m not. Some people tell me I’m in Denial, but I’m positive I’ve never been there before. But I’ve been in Deepshit many times; the old I get the easier it is to get there. So far I haven’t been in Continent but my travel agent says I’ll be going there soon.
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
User avatar
Pelican
Posts: 9743
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 10:10 pm

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by Pelican »

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

A tourist went to Mexico and praised the local fishermen for the quality of their fish and then asked them?
How much time do you need to catch it? And the fishermen answered him in one voice:
"Not long"
He asked them: Why don't you spend more time and fish more?
The fishermen made it clear that their little catch would suffice their needs and the needs of their families!
He asked them: But what do you do in the rest of your time?
They answered:
We sleep late..
We fish a little...
We play with our children.
We eat with our wives.
And in the evening we visit our friends.
We have fun, laugh and chant some songs
The tourist interrupted:
I have an MBA from Harvard University and I can help you!
You have to start fishing for long periods every day and then sell the extra fish for a bigger return
And buy a bigger fishing boat.
They asked him: Then what?
He replied: With the big boat and the extra money..
You can buy a second and third boat, and so on until you have an integrated fleet of fishing vessels,
Instead of selling your catch to an intermediary, you will negotiate directly with the factories, and perhaps you will also open your own factory,
And you will be able to leave this village and move to Mexico, the capital, or Los Angeles or even New York!
From there you will be able to start your giant projects.
The fishermen asked the tourist:
How much time will we need to achieve this?
He replied: About twenty or maybe twenty-five years.
They asked him: What next?
He replied with a smile: When your business grows, you will speculate in stocks and win millions.
They asked him in amazement:
Millions? Oh really ?
And what will we do after that?
He replied:
Then you can retire
And live quietly in a village on the coast, sleep late..
You play with your children.
And you eat with your wives.
And spend the nights enjoying with friends
The fishermen answered
With all due respect and appreciation
But that's exactly what we're doing now,
So, what is the logic for which we waste twenty-five years of misery?
HMS Pelican 1938 - 1958 GGCV L86 U86 F86 What I Have I Hold ~ A wonderful bird is the Pelican its beak can hold more than its belly can.
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