More true than funny

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jbryce1437
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More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

If you love food but were a child of the 60’s you should remember most of this;
* Pasta had not been invented.
* "Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.
* Curry was an unknown entity. Indian restaurants were only found in India.
* The only vegetables were spuds, peas, carrots, turnip, cauliflower and cabbage. Mange tout and Pak choi were made up words. Chilli was in South America and scotch bonnets were worn by old ladies in Aberdeen.
* A take-away was a mathematical problem.
* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
* Oil was for lubricating your bike chain not for cooking.
* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet.
*Spice went in Christmas cakes (and so did peel, Yuk).
* Herbs were used to make medicine I think.
* All crisps were plain or you could have a little blue bag with salt in.
* All soft drinks were called pop. * Coke was something that we put on the fire, we never drunk it and we certainly didn’t sniff it.
* Ginger beer burnt your lips off, when you stopped drinking.
* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
* A microwave was science fiction
* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves. The tea-cosy was the forerunner of all energy saving devices. Tea had only one flavour, it was tea flavoured
* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.
* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.
* Mayonnaise was called Salad cream
* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.
* Dinner consisted of what we were given, and not negotiable.
* Only Heinz made baked beans.
* Leftovers went in the dog.
* Sauce was either brown or red.
* Eating raw fish was called madness, not sushi.
* The only ready meals came from the fish and chip shop.
* Frozen food was called ice cream.
* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.
* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
* Brunch was not a meal.
* Cheese only ever came in a hard lump.
* If we had eaten bacon, lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified insane.
* Eating outside was called a picnic not Al Fresco.
* Seaweed was not a recognised food.
* Eggs were not called ‘free range’ they just were, and the shells were white.
* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday - it was compulsory.
* The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond our realms of comprehension.
* The term "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all.
* We bought milk and cream at the same time, in the same bottle, before you gave it a shake.
* Prunes were purely medicinal.
* Pineapples only came in chunks in a tin.
* We didn't eat Croissants because we couldn't pronounce them, we couldn't spell them, and we didn't know what they were.
* for Baguettes (see Croissants).
* Garlic was used to ward off vampires in films, but never to be eaten.
* Water came out of the tap; if someone had suggested bottling it and charging for it they would have been locked up.
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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ivorthediver
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by ivorthediver »

As one who was ...so to speak .....I laughed away at your list Jim , and absolutely true , well said and well conceived mate , and thanks for sharing with the rest of us old un's :lol:
"What Ever Floats your Boat"
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jbryce1437
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

FRIENDSHIP

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Disown you for running around their house naked in front of a bunch of people none of you have ever met before.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Take photos and then join in with you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Think it's disgusting that you got so drunk you pissed yourself in somebody else's bed.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Help you turn the mattress over..........

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you are too busy to ...talk to them for a week.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after many, many years and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr and Mrs.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Call your parents Mum and Dad.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and then tell you what you did was wrong.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, 'Mate, we f**ked up...but what a giggle?

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Cry with you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Could write a book with a shed full of direct quotes from you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say 'I'm home, got any beer!

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Share a few experiences.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Share a lifetime of experiences no civilian could ever dream of.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "You had better drink the rest of that...don't waste it." Then, they will carry you home and put you safely to bed and watch over you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Will knock the crap out of people who use your name in vain.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will call you 'mate' as a term of endearment.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Will call you a w*nker or a t*sser as a term of endearment.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Are for life.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
NAVAL FRIENDS: Will forward this to their naval mates.
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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ivorthediver
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by ivorthediver »

Excellent Jim , and well thought out , and shows clearly the difference betwixt the two ...........so do I know refer to you as a t*sser :idea: :D
"What Ever Floats your Boat"
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jbryce1437
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

ivorthediver wrote: Tue Jul 30, 2019 7:49 pm Excellent Jim , and well thought out , and shows clearly the difference betwixt the two ...........so do I know refer to you as a t*sser :idea: :D
I answer to both Ivor :-)

Jim
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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ivorthediver
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by ivorthediver »

Well I will show you the respect you deserve and add Sir of course .....SIR :)
"What Ever Floats your Boat"
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jbryce1437
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:-
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death:-
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers:-
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

RIP
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
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ivorthediver
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by ivorthediver »

What a sad indictment Jim , and can find no errors recorded in the prognosis Would that when I leave I could be adjudged so faultless :(

It would be hilarious if it weren't so true , and shows just how low humanity has sunk :shock:
"What Ever Floats your Boat"
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jbryce1437
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Re: More true than funny

Unread post by jbryce1437 »

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
HMS Raleigh 1963 , HMS Collingwood 1963 & 67 , HMS Ark Royal 1964-7, HMS Undaunted 1968-71, HMS Victory (Fleet Maintenance Group) 1971-72, HMS Exmouth 1972-74
JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL
Then 28 years in the Fire Brigade
Retired since 2002
User avatar
ivorthediver
Posts: 3659
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:42 pm
Location: Cambridge Shore Battery

Re: More true than funny

Unread post by ivorthediver »

Well Jim it would seem that there are still a few Empire travellers left ...., however I recall Thomas Cook was bought out by a German Company many many years ago and you would have thought that they would have organised it better ...what ;)
"What Ever Floats your Boat"
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